I was exceedingly troubled this morning as I read the opinion of (what I thought) a knowledgeable tech blogger concerning recent comments made by Stephen Elop. Emperor Steve will deal with Stephen, but I will go to the blogosphere to deal with Jason Kincaid.

No Office on iPhone

The iPhone is the most powerful weapon phone in the galaxy. When fully operational it will be able to destroy entire planets. Why in the world would Emperor Steve add Office? That would be like mounting a BB gun on an Apache helicopter. So please, forgive this misguided rumor and all loyal iPhone users can sleep soundly knowing that the Apple Empire will not allow the iPhone to be polluted with Microsucks Office.

While usually I do not choose to grace wild accusations with a response, in this case I feel the situation is so grievous that I am compelled to respond. If you would like to read the accusations you can, but the main intent was to say that Emperor Steve placed a DRM chip in the headphone controls of the new Shuffles (reported on earlier by me).

Is TechCrunch A Secret Rebel Base?

While TechCrunch has contributed positively to the Empire in the past, this article strikes a serious blow to their loyalty. Emperor Steve is highly disappointed by this action and the appropriate response is being contemplated at this time. In the meantime we highly recommend that all loyal subjects of the Apple Empire read future TechCrunch articles with the proverbial “grain of salt”. While it can’t be confirmed at this time we suspect that the Rebellion may have been able to influence Michael Arrington during his recent hiatus in Hawaii.

I apologize to all my loyal readers that this news didn’t come from me first, but releasing a new product on a galactic level can be quite difficult. Add on the fact that I have taken on increased responsibilities while Emperor Steve recovers from his midichlorian deficiency and I your will understand. So, on to the good news.

New iPod Shuffle

First, we decided you wanted more options. Therefore you will now be able to get the shuffle in silver AND black. That’s double the options of the Model T Ford. We also decided that if memory is good, more memory is better, so the 3rd gen comes with 4 GB of memory. Yep, that’s 1,000 songs in a device that is smaller that a AA battery!

Lastly, to make the Force even stronger in this device, we have given each one the ability to talk. Yes, it took us a few years to train them in 14 languages (Mandarin was tough) but now your iPod Shuffle will tell you the song title and artist at the push of a button. No more straining your brain to remember who sings that song. So Happy 11th of March. Go out and drop another $79 on another music player because you can never have too much cool.

There is a power in the Apple Empire nearly as strong as the Force. Our critics are baffled by it. Our supporters mindlessly obey it. Our master, Emperor Jobs, carefully manipulates it. What could possibly be so powerful? The Economics of Cool.

Economics 101

As Lord of the Apple Empire I have mastered many subjects, including economics. Many of you have also studied economics and therefore are very familiar with the concept of supply and demand. Both have an associated curve and the intersection of these curves predicts the price of a product. Therefore, if a company wants to earn a higher price for a product they must either limit supply or increase demand.

In most markets limiting supply is impractical unless you have a monopoly and increasing demand benefits your competitors as well as yourself. So if you don’t have a traditional monopoly that allows you to control supply nor the desire to increase demand, what is one to do? This was the very situation Emperor Steve found himself in upon returning to lead the Apple Empire in 1996.

How Apple Got a Monopoly on Cool

Beginning with the iPod we began our intergalactic quest to monopolize the cool market. We used packaging that was plain and contained virtually no sales copy. We designed our products to look sleek and simple. We made them easy to use. We used revolutionary advertising. We focused all our efforts on conveying this simple message: Apple IS Cool!


Once we convinced the galaxy that Apple was the epitome of cool, that’s when the money started pouring in for us. We set our price and consumers had an easy decision: Do you want to be cool or not? Before Apple products, being cool was out of reach for the vast majority of humanity. Something only acquired through genetics or luck. Definitely not something easily obtained at a store. Until Apple.

Since Apple was the definition of cool and Apple products were available for purchase by anyone, being cool was now obtainable by anyone willing to fork over a few hundred dollars for an iPod, iMac or MacBook. Yes you, the geek, could be cool with a simple purchase. We created a monopoly on cool and damn does it feel good to be cool.

For months now I’ve been hearing a lot of griping from the ranks of Apple faithful. Many of the complaints were directed at our supposed lack of attention to non-iPhone products. Do you think that the Empire is ignoring you? Do you think we don’t have enough resources to develop increasingly awesome products? Heresy.

Updated Products

Our loyal followers at TechCrunch have already announced the updates, which include:

• 24 inch iMac
• Faster MacBook Pro
• New Mac Mini
• New Airport Extreme
• New Time Capsule

Basically put, we just added the Force to each of our products so now you have a little bit of Emperor Steve’s power in each product.

As was reported on earlier by the loyal subjects at TechCrunch, developers have released the Beta version of Safari 4 for all you OS X users and even you Windows-using Rebel scum.

Safari 4 Beta Features

With all the recent claims by some shiny silver web browser about how fast their Javascript processing is, the Empire souped up the Javascript in Safari even more. You’ll get the ability to do a full history search as well as browse your web history or bookmarks in an i-Tunes like cover flow style. Add in the tabs on top and full page zoom for an amazing internet experience. As a sign of our benevolence we’re giving it away for free at Apple.com/Safari.

When will those Rebel scum in Redmond actually come up with an original idea? If they haven’t noticed Vista was a monumental flop and the new Windows 7 (original name too) is shaping up to be more of the same. The Zune is nowhere close to rivaling the iPod/iPhone hegemony and now we have the latest chapter of Microsoft copy-catting the Empire.

Windows Mobile Updated

After months and months of WinMo users complaining about the clunky UI Microsoft has released Windows Mobile 6.5 complete with a MobileMe knock-off feature called My Phone. Are they hoping that customers will hear My Phone and think iPhone? The phonetic similarities are eerie. However, the Empire fears no enemy and inevitably Microsoft will scrap this failure and move on to version 6.6.

The Apple Empire is known for it’s ability to produce the best products in the Galaxy. That is indisputable fact. However, just having the best products in the Galaxy wouldn’t be enough if nobody knew about them. So we at Apple rely on our loyal subjects to spread the message of our greatness. Based on the results I would say that the strategy is as masterful as one of Emperor Steve’s famous keynotes.

Free Publicity

Over at Crunchgear we have an excellent post by John Biggs detailing the upcoming legal battle between the iFart app and the Pull My Finger app over the right to produce the sound of flatulence on your iPhone. This publicity will easily mean more downloads for both apps, but the bigger benefit will be increased sales of the mighty iPhone. Thank you fart apps for all the free publicity.

During the early 2000’s many would argue that the galactic balance of power shifted from Cupertino to Mountain View. Google became ubiquitous across all aspects of society. However, the balance of power lies squarely in Cupertino. And for the doubters, you only have to read the news.

Apple Owns Multi Touch

As reported by MobileCrunch Google left multi touch capability out of the Android-based G1 because of a simple request from the Emperor (and a really broad patent too). The phone was capable of multi touch, as evidenced by mods, so the omission is obviously not due to hardware deficiencies.

Let it be known to any potential knock-offs (read Palm Pre) that Apple bows to no one, not even the mighty Google. You mess with our intellectual property and you will face the wrath of Darth Mac.

For those of you who doubted Emperor Steve’s ability to guide the Empire while suffering from a decreased midichlorian, I submit the current rally as evidence that the Force is still strong with Apple. The price has been improving slowly over the last few weeks and today closed over $100. This favorable outcome was aided by loyal subject and FTN Equity Capital analyst Bill Fearnley who corrected his rating from neutral to buy and set a target of $140. We thank him for his loyalty and can assure stockholders of a handsome return on their investment as we crush the Rebellion.