As the reigning Lord of Apple I am painfully aware of the massive fluctuations of the stock market over the last few months. Earlier this year my golden parachute was worth more than a small African nation. Now, after taking repeated triple-digit losses over the last month or so, my stocks are now only worth a small fortune. So what’s the deal?

Speculation & Panic

Right now the stock market is being driven by speculation and panic as much as it’s being driven by market forces. I agree that the economy is getting a rude reality check. Real estate prices are crashing down to join the “real world” again and luckily our banks were smart enough to give interest-only, ARMs to people who can’t pay off their credit cards, let alone their mortgages. This left the banks holding the bag on defaulted loans, but these bankers were smart enough to get the government to step in and be their whipping boy (I knew they weren’t entirely stupid.) So yes, the economy really does suck right now and the stock market should be trending flat or downward. Massive triple digit swings (what’s up with the nearly 900-point gain yesterday?) are NOT healthy. These companies are not doing anything to merit 10% changes in their valuation.

The only exception would be Apple, which every day sells enough iPhones to arm a new squadron of Apple iTroopers. So please continue to drive Apple’s stock price up, my golden parachute needs a bit more bling. (That means you Michael Arrington. There isn’t a single Apple story on your home page right now. Get on it before I take away your iPhone)

Apple rumors are near-constant in the blogosphere, yet I feel to respond to a specific rumor posted on Gizmodo today. I feel a response is warranted because the story attempts to lend credibility to the story by mentioning an “unnamed search company.” Now I don’t think I’m stretching to say that Jesus Diaz is implying Google in the article. 

Let me unequivically deny the validity of this report. If you look back to my last post before Emperor Steve’s last announcement you’ll see I was totally honest with you. I am yet again being honest with you. This is nothing more than a glitch from this “unnamed search company.”

The stage is set, the new Apple notebooks are ready to go & Emperor Steve has prepared yet another awe-inspiring keynote address to deliver to the Empire via every known communication method known to man. There will be live blogging, Twittering, texting, photographs, telepathy and more. And what should you be expecting?

The rumors about aluminium cases are true. It’s better than plastic for durability (though I really do like the shiny, black plastic look) and with all the fanboys and enviromentalists out there crying about chemicals and foreign oil dependency we decided that it would lend a nice green hue to our offering, thus keeping us on the bleeding edge of “cool”. 

Glass trackpads are also true. This way there is something that can easily break, which will actually give our repairs department something meaningful to do besides tell people it’s broken, fixing it will cost more than a new one and then selling them a new one.

Speaking of pricing, I will also confirm the lower price points, but with caution. You see, it will make fanboys, I mean loyal followers of Emperor Steve, happier and will increase our penetration into the market. However, our stock will likely suffer a hit since profit margin decreases when you lower the price. Emperor Steve will not be happy to see his net worth drop with Apple’s stock price, but he’s willing to take one for the Empire on this one.

Please enjoy the nonstop, all-over-the-internet coverage of the event today and remember that your should never underestimate the Dork Side of the Force!

Earlier today there was a piece of “citizen journalism” posted by a CNN iReporter that claimed that Emperor Steve had been rushed to a hospital with an apparent heart attack. This report was posted without validation by CNN and subsequently caused a momentary dip in the stock price of Apple. As the apprentice of Emperor Steve I would like to issue two official statements regarding this news:

1. To Apple Stock Holders: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

2. To the media: Citizen journalists are dangerous. How could you let someone without political connections or conflicting interests post news on a largely trafficked website? That is just irresponsible. Luckily we have seen numerous corrections of this falsehood (such as TechCrunch & Silicon Valley Insider) and stock prices quickly rebounded, but the lack of confidence in my ability to succeed Emperor Steve was obvious and I am displeased.