With the recent earnings reports put out my Apple and Microsoft, I feel it an opportune moment to gloat in Steve Ballmer’s face. In case you missed it, we just announced quarterly revenue of over $10 billion dollars and profit of $1.61 billion. And it goes without saying that this far surpassed analysts expectations. Not even a Midichlorian imbalance in Emperor Steve can stop the Apple Empire.

However, this wasn’t the worst part, was it Ballmer? Now we hear that you’re cutting 5,000 employees, revenues are down across the board, and you lost almost $500 million on the web. Ouch, that hurts! And to make it even worse, this is with Emperor Steve on the sidelines.

As I’m sure you have all heard by now, Emperor Steve revealed the cause of his recent weight loss. No it wasn’t Oprah’s new acai diet or some nutty organic diet. As reported in an open letter from Emperor Steve himself, the reason was “a hormone imbalance that has been “robbing” me of the proteins my body needs to be healthy.” So there you have it TechCrunch and all the other blogs out there who have made such a bid deal of Emperor Steve’s health.

Now there are some out there who don’t feel that Emperor Steve’s disclosure is full enough. Therefore I would like to clear up the confusion by letting you know the exact nature of this “hormone imbalance”: 

Emperor Steve is suffering from a decreased midichlorian count.

There you have it. Years of constantly tapping his Force power have finally caught up with the Emperor and he will need a temporary reprieve from delivering keynote addresses. So now you know. Please quit asking and speculating.