While usually I do not choose to grace wild accusations with a response, in this case I feel the situation is so grievous that I am compelled to respond. If you would like to read the accusations you can, but the main intent was to say that Emperor Steve placed a DRM chip in the headphone controls of the new Shuffles (reported on earlier by me).

Is TechCrunch A Secret Rebel Base?

While TechCrunch has contributed positively to the Empire in the past, this article strikes a serious blow to their loyalty. Emperor Steve is highly disappointed by this action and the appropriate response is being contemplated at this time. In the meantime we highly recommend that all loyal subjects of the Apple Empire read future TechCrunch articles with the proverbial “grain of salt”. While it can’t be confirmed at this time we suspect that the Rebellion may have been able to influence Michael Arrington during his recent hiatus in Hawaii.

I apologize to all my loyal readers that this news didn’t come from me first, but releasing a new product on a galactic level can be quite difficult. Add on the fact that I have taken on increased responsibilities while Emperor Steve recovers from his midichlorian deficiency and I your will understand. So, on to the good news.

New iPod Shuffle

First, we decided you wanted more options. Therefore you will now be able to get the shuffle in silver AND black. That’s double the options of the Model T Ford. We also decided that if memory is good, more memory is better, so the 3rd gen comes with 4 GB of memory. Yep, that’s 1,000 songs in a device that is smaller that a AA battery!

Lastly, to make the Force even stronger in this device, we have given each one the ability to talk. Yes, it took us a few years to train them in 14 languages (Mandarin was tough) but now your iPod Shuffle will tell you the song title and artist at the push of a button. No more straining your brain to remember who sings that song. So Happy 11th of March. Go out and drop another $79 on another music player because you can never have too much cool.

There is a power in the Apple Empire nearly as strong as the Force. Our critics are baffled by it. Our supporters mindlessly obey it. Our master, Emperor Jobs, carefully manipulates it. What could possibly be so powerful? The Economics of Cool.

Economics 101

As Lord of the Apple Empire I have mastered many subjects, including economics. Many of you have also studied economics and therefore are very familiar with the concept of supply and demand. Both have an associated curve and the intersection of these curves predicts the price of a product. Therefore, if a company wants to earn a higher price for a product they must either limit supply or increase demand.

In most markets limiting supply is impractical unless you have a monopoly and increasing demand benefits your competitors as well as yourself. So if you don’t have a traditional monopoly that allows you to control supply nor the desire to increase demand, what is one to do? This was the very situation Emperor Steve found himself in upon returning to lead the Apple Empire in 1996.

How Apple Got a Monopoly on Cool

Beginning with the iPod we began our intergalactic quest to monopolize the cool market. We used packaging that was plain and contained virtually no sales copy. We designed our products to look sleek and simple. We made them easy to use. We used revolutionary advertising. We focused all our efforts on conveying this simple message: Apple IS Cool!


Once we convinced the galaxy that Apple was the epitome of cool, that’s when the money started pouring in for us. We set our price and consumers had an easy decision: Do you want to be cool or not? Before Apple products, being cool was out of reach for the vast majority of humanity. Something only acquired through genetics or luck. Definitely not something easily obtained at a store. Until Apple.

Since Apple was the definition of cool and Apple products were available for purchase by anyone, being cool was now obtainable by anyone willing to fork over a few hundred dollars for an iPod, iMac or MacBook. Yes you, the geek, could be cool with a simple purchase. We created a monopoly on cool and damn does it feel good to be cool.

For months now I’ve been hearing a lot of griping from the ranks of Apple faithful. Many of the complaints were directed at our supposed lack of attention to non-iPhone products. Do you think that the Empire is ignoring you? Do you think we don’t have enough resources to develop increasingly awesome products? Heresy.

Updated Products

Our loyal followers at TechCrunch have already announced the updates, which include:

• 24 inch iMac
• Faster MacBook Pro
• New Mac Mini
• New Airport Extreme
• New Time Capsule

Basically put, we just added the Force to each of our products so now you have a little bit of Emperor Steve’s power in each product.