As has been noted in recent articles, Information Week and Crunchgear for example, the Apple Empire has acquired a very valuable patent recently. If you’re really into seeing the source you can view the actual patent on file with the US Patent Office here. So why is Emperor Steve so pleased with this patent?

iPhone Video Capability

For a long time we have heard rumors that certain people loyal to the Empire were dissatisfied with their iPhones because they couldn’t use it to video conference. Though these complaints were kept mainly under the radar, the Force alerted us. Therefore, we will increase the destructive power of the Death Star capability of the iPhone in the near future to include this much desired feature.

Twitter

On a personal note, you may now follow me on Twitter as @DarthMac.

With the recent earnings reports put out my Apple and Microsoft, I feel it an opportune moment to gloat in Steve Ballmer’s face. In case you missed it, we just announced quarterly revenue of over $10 billion dollars and profit of $1.61 billion. And it goes without saying that this far surpassed analysts expectations. Not even a Midichlorian imbalance in Emperor Steve can stop the Apple Empire.

However, this wasn’t the worst part, was it Ballmer? Now we hear that you’re cutting 5,000 employees, revenues are down across the board, and you lost almost $500 million on the web. Ouch, that hurts! And to make it even worse, this is with Emperor Steve on the sidelines.

As I’m sure you have all heard by now, Emperor Steve revealed the cause of his recent weight loss. No it wasn’t Oprah’s new acai diet or some nutty organic diet. As reported in an open letter from Emperor Steve himself, the reason was “a hormone imbalance that has been “robbing” me of the proteins my body needs to be healthy.” So there you have it TechCrunch and all the other blogs out there who have made such a bid deal of Emperor Steve’s health.

Now there are some out there who don’t feel that Emperor Steve’s disclosure is full enough. Therefore I would like to clear up the confusion by letting you know the exact nature of this “hormone imbalance”: 

Emperor Steve is suffering from a decreased midichlorian count.

There you have it. Years of constantly tapping his Force power have finally caught up with the Emperor and he will need a temporary reprieve from delivering keynote addresses. So now you know. Please quit asking and speculating.

For years the Simpsons have entertained the world with their clever satire. It seemed as though no group was immune; Jehovah’s Witnesses, Mormons, hippies, nerds, country music singers, etc. However, Matt Groening knew there was one target which should never be defiled by satirical cartoons. 

Mapple? MyPod?

While clever enough to avoid copyright infringement and legal action, this blatant attack on Apple and Emperor Steve (cleverly called Steve Mobs) went too far. Not only was Apple portrayed as greedy, expensive and out of touch with consumers, but Emperor Steve was portrayed as a ruler who urinates on his products. Even those who did not see the episode may have been reached because of blogosphere coverage like Engadget. 

To Matt I say, beware! Soon you will witness the full power of the Dork Side of the Force. To all those who have doubts I say, Apple will overcome! Your iPhone is still the greatest creation on the planet, a technological wonder. And as for the Simpsons, your days are numbered!

The rumor is circulating the blogosphere that Wal-Mart will be selling iPhones starting after Christmas. The initial report comes from the Boy Genius Report and then CNN lended additional weight to the rumor with their post on Fortune. I would like to issue a more formal response.

First, I would like to point out to all retailers that Wal-Mart has sold Apple products for years and moves millions of units for the Empire. With their imposing presence worldwide they have been loyal to Emperor Steve always. Second, of course Wal-Mart will be selling the 3G iPhone. While I am not at liberty to divulge the exact launch date I can unequivocally confirm the truth of the rumor. 

In the Empire’s plan to engulf the entire known universe, the Death Star iPhone is our most powerful weapon and is already causing our enemies to tremble in fear. 

PS Anybody interested in the CEO job at Yahoo? Go vote for yourself at TechCrunch

With the obvious speed provided by the iPhone on a 3G connection, many users with laptops have been wondering how to connect their computer to their phone to get internet access when an ethernet cable or WiFi network is unavailable; commonly referred to as tethering. Users have spoken and Emperor Steve has delivered!

AT&T was a tough nut to crack, but in the end we managed to get them to cave. Sure this will end up costing them even more in bandwidth charges, but if they’re going to keep their “exclusive carrier” status this is the price they’ll pay.

As the reigning Lord of Apple I am painfully aware of the massive fluctuations of the stock market over the last few months. Earlier this year my golden parachute was worth more than a small African nation. Now, after taking repeated triple-digit losses over the last month or so, my stocks are now only worth a small fortune. So what’s the deal?

Speculation & Panic

Right now the stock market is being driven by speculation and panic as much as it’s being driven by market forces. I agree that the economy is getting a rude reality check. Real estate prices are crashing down to join the “real world” again and luckily our banks were smart enough to give interest-only, ARMs to people who can’t pay off their credit cards, let alone their mortgages. This left the banks holding the bag on defaulted loans, but these bankers were smart enough to get the government to step in and be their whipping boy (I knew they weren’t entirely stupid.) So yes, the economy really does suck right now and the stock market should be trending flat or downward. Massive triple digit swings (what’s up with the nearly 900-point gain yesterday?) are NOT healthy. These companies are not doing anything to merit 10% changes in their valuation.

The only exception would be Apple, which every day sells enough iPhones to arm a new squadron of Apple iTroopers. So please continue to drive Apple’s stock price up, my golden parachute needs a bit more bling. (That means you Michael Arrington. There isn’t a single Apple story on your home page right now. Get on it before I take away your iPhone)

Apple rumors are near-constant in the blogosphere, yet I feel to respond to a specific rumor posted on Gizmodo today. I feel a response is warranted because the story attempts to lend credibility to the story by mentioning an “unnamed search company.” Now I don’t think I’m stretching to say that Jesus Diaz is implying Google in the article. 

Let me unequivically deny the validity of this report. If you look back to my last post before Emperor Steve’s last announcement you’ll see I was totally honest with you. I am yet again being honest with you. This is nothing more than a glitch from this “unnamed search company.”

The stage is set, the new Apple notebooks are ready to go & Emperor Steve has prepared yet another awe-inspiring keynote address to deliver to the Empire via every known communication method known to man. There will be live blogging, Twittering, texting, photographs, telepathy and more. And what should you be expecting?

The rumors about aluminium cases are true. It’s better than plastic for durability (though I really do like the shiny, black plastic look) and with all the fanboys and enviromentalists out there crying about chemicals and foreign oil dependency we decided that it would lend a nice green hue to our offering, thus keeping us on the bleeding edge of “cool”. 

Glass trackpads are also true. This way there is something that can easily break, which will actually give our repairs department something meaningful to do besides tell people it’s broken, fixing it will cost more than a new one and then selling them a new one.

Speaking of pricing, I will also confirm the lower price points, but with caution. You see, it will make fanboys, I mean loyal followers of Emperor Steve, happier and will increase our penetration into the market. However, our stock will likely suffer a hit since profit margin decreases when you lower the price. Emperor Steve will not be happy to see his net worth drop with Apple’s stock price, but he’s willing to take one for the Empire on this one.

Please enjoy the nonstop, all-over-the-internet coverage of the event today and remember that your should never underestimate the Dork Side of the Force!

Earlier today there was a piece of “citizen journalism” posted by a CNN iReporter that claimed that Emperor Steve had been rushed to a hospital with an apparent heart attack. This report was posted without validation by CNN and subsequently caused a momentary dip in the stock price of Apple. As the apprentice of Emperor Steve I would like to issue two official statements regarding this news:

1. To Apple Stock Holders: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

2. To the media: Citizen journalists are dangerous. How could you let someone without political connections or conflicting interests post news on a largely trafficked website? That is just irresponsible. Luckily we have seen numerous corrections of this falsehood (such as TechCrunch & Silicon Valley Insider) and stock prices quickly rebounded, but the lack of confidence in my ability to succeed Emperor Steve was obvious and I am displeased.