There have been many Intergalactic rumors floating around about the possibility of an event on September 9th where Emperor Steve would be speaking. This post is to officially *confirm the validity of this rumor. Emperor Steve has graciously agreed to address the Empire and will be tailoring his comments to the official theme of “Let’s Rock.”

*In the future, please reference this blog for official announcements concerning the activities of Emperor Steve.

I would like to thank John Biggs for taking the time to correctly assign the blame for iPhone 3G issues: THE USERS! Despite the lack of faith exhibited by many (even you Michael Arrington) regarding the Death Star iPhone 3G, this clearly shows that the Apple Empire is truly invincible.

Certain Rebel operatives working undercover in the Empire’s product development department seem to think that by anonymously leaking information about new products will somehow weaken Emperor Steve’s control of the galaxy. A recent example was brought to my attention today. Kevin Rose of Digg.com posted on his uber-lame blog today that he had information regarding the new line of iPods that supposedly will be announced in the coming weeks.

Pure Poppycock

Let me assure you that this information is entirely invalid. The source chose to remain anonymous to avoid the ridicule associated with being wrong (and the fact that I will kill him with my Force powers if I find him.) One only needs to consider how preposterous this information is:

1. Why would the Empire lower prices when fanboys joyfully fork over the full retail price for overhyped products now?
2. A bigger screen on the Nano? Everyone loves the tiny one we have now!
3. Lastly, given the fact that millions of loyal subjects have willingly let themselves get locked into our current iTunes that won’t let them transfer their music to other devices, why should we improve it?

Given this body of evidence I feel that you should feel confident that Kevin Rose doesn’t know what he’s talking about. And if you’re reading Kevin, don’t be surprised if you see a platoon of iTroopers knocking on your door soon.

Mcheal Arrington, I find your lack of faith disturbing.

For years you have been loyal to the Empire, buying computer after computer, laptop after laptop, and iPod after iPod. You have written positive reviews of each of your new toys on TechCrunch, garnering even more fanboy adoration for Apple products. You have given many Apple products as gifts to family members, helping to further spread the Empire’s reach. And then you posted this on TechCrunch yesterday:

“Apple is Flailing Badly At The Edges”

You outline your past loyalty in full, but only to lend further credibility to your heretical remarks:

Mac Mini, Macbook Air, Macbook Pro and Macbook, All Failed

MobileMe Has Screwed Up My Work Ecosystem

Michael, do now succumb to the Mac Rebellion. The Empire is now valued higher than any time in history. Planets and systems bow to the power of Emperor Steve every time he gives a keynote address. Blogs hang on his every word and Wall Street pays more attention to his health than to the financial sector. Come back Michael or you may witness the full power of the iPhone kill switch.

For those of you who may have read Thomas Ricker’s post at Engadget or another source, I, Darth Mac, would like to personally reassure all iPod Nano owners that their 1st generation Nanos will not explode. The reports of burned tatami mats and papers in Japan are true. People also did report being burned by the devices. However, I’m sure the Nano simply detected rebellious thoughts such as “The Zune Pass would be cool to try” or “Wow, that new Creative has 32 MB of memory and is so small.” Emperor Steve will tolerate no such thoughts and may just use his Force powers to fry your precious little Nanos.

As the Empire has sought to expand it’s presence throughout the Galaxy, the Mac Rebellion has sought to thwart our efforts at every turn. In some systems they have managed to mount a significant resistance. However, the Rebellion is no match for the iPhone.

The Power of the iPhone

Some may recall the unfortunate accident that led to the destruction of the Death Star. Though we forgave those designers for earlier mistakes (the Newton), this time we decided that a carbonite monument of their failure would be a better course of action.

The result of our renewed focus on building a supreme weapon – the iPhone (aka Destroyer of Worlds.)

Developed in total secrecy, the Rebellion could only speculate on the full power of the iPhone. Now it is too late for them to stop. First, the iPhone conquered the largest cell phone system in the Galaxy, bringing AT&T grovelling to its knees to be the exclusive provider. It was too easy. Now we have conquered another system.

Best Buy Conquered

With the power of the iPhone on full display over the last year, our enemies tremble. The upgraded 3G iPhone has caused over a million to surrender already and the Best Buy system is now completely under our control. They will be authorize to sell the iPhone in their hundreds of retail stores which we predict will lead millions more to surrender to the power of the iPhone.

As reported at the Wall Street Journal today, Emperor Steve fessed up to masterminding the iPhone kill switch. For those of you who don’t know, the idea is that every iPhone has a handy little piece of code that allows Apple to kill an app. No questions, no justification needed from the Emperor.

Why have a Kill Switch?

Official reason: The kill switch is there to give Apple the ability to shutdown any “malicious” app.

Real reason: Power. If you knew how hard it is to get an app INTO the store, you would know that there won’t be any “malicious” apps getting that far. With the kill switch Emperor Steve holds complete control over any developer. If a developer complains about the 30% cut Apple gets, Emperor Steve shuts it down. Say Apple gets sued Scrabulous style over an app, Emperor Steve shuts it down. Emperor Steve wakes up feeling grumpy, an app get shut down. You get the picture. The kill switch represents complete power.

Over the last few weeks there has been a lot of publicity concerning the health of Emperor Steve. Sure he looked a little thin introducing the 3G iPhone. It’s hard shouldering the weight of millions of fanboys who want their new toy. Yes, Emperor Jobs has had some health issues in the past, but using the Force he was able to easily overcome cancer.

So back off the Emperor and stop killing the stock price with all of the speculation. The man has a mitachlorian count higher than the Dow Jones Industrial Average so he’ll be fine. My recommendation for Apple stock is buy, and buy a lot.

I sensed a disturbance in the Force this morning. As I began to scan the internet to discover what went awry I soon found the source: a post by Joe Wilcox on Apple Watch. In his post Joe proceeded to make the assertion that Macs are more expensive than PCs, which is totally correct. The Apple brand is synonymous with coolness, so of course you have to pay more for it. Since when did coolness come cheap? However, the disturbing part of Joe’s post was when he said that Macs were more expensive than a comparably equipped PC.

Mac vs. PC

To support his heresy, Joe carefully details the pricing and specs for an iMac and an Inspiron 518. On the surface his point seems valid and airtight. However, if you look closely you’ll notice that and Inspiron also comes preloaded with lameness. Having a Dell will make you the laughing stock of the dorms this year. IF you want to fit in, I suggest you dig deep and buy a Mac.

Still not convinced? Still thinking that you could buy a whole semester’s worth of books with the money you’ll save by going PC? My final appeal to your reason is this: Vista! Everyone has heard how is slows down your computer and just isn’t as cool as Leopard. Don’t you pay attention to all the gossip? Sure those Rebel scum at Microsoft managed to trick a bunch of idiots into liking Vista by calling it Mojave. But take it from Cupertino, Vista sucks!

So in the end the real question is not whether a Mac is more expensive than a PC. The real question is can you put a price tag on being cool?