With the recent earnings reports put out my Apple and Microsoft, I feel it an opportune moment to gloat in Steve Ballmer’s face. In case you missed it, we just announced quarterly revenue of over $10 billion dollars and profit of $1.61 billion. And it goes without saying that this far surpassed analysts expectations. Not even a Midichlorian imbalance in Emperor Steve can stop the Apple Empire. However, this wasn’t the worst...

As I’m sure you have all heard by now, Emperor Steve revealed the cause of his recent weight loss. No it wasn’t Oprah’s new acai diet or some nutty organic diet. As reported in an open letter from Emperor Steve himself, the reason was “a hormone imbalance that has been “robbing” me of the proteins my body needs to be healthy.” So there you have it TechCrunch and all the other blogs out there who have made...

For years the Simpsons have entertained the world with their clever satire. It seemed as though no group was immune; Jehovah’s Witnesses, Mormons, hippies, nerds, country music singers, etc. However, Matt Groening knew there was one target which should never be defiled by satirical cartoons.  Mapple? MyPod? While clever enough to avoid copyright infringement and legal action, this blatant attack on Apple and Emperor Steve (cleverly...

The rumor is circulating the blogosphere that Wal-Mart will be selling iPhones starting after Christmas. The initial report comes from the Boy Genius Report and then CNN lended additional weight to the rumor with their post on Fortune. I would like to issue a more formal response. First, I would like to point out to all retailers that Wal-Mart has sold Apple products for years and moves millions of units for the Empire. With their imposing...

With the obvious speed provided by the iPhone on a 3G connection, many users with laptops have been wondering how to connect their computer to their phone to get internet access when an ethernet cable or WiFi network is unavailable; commonly referred to as tethering. Users have spoken and Emperor Steve has delivered! AT&T was a tough nut to crack, but in the end we managed to get them to cave. Sure this will end up costing them even...

As the reigning Lord of Apple I am painfully aware of the massive fluctuations of the stock market over the last few months. Earlier this year my golden parachute was worth more than a small African nation. Now, after taking repeated triple-digit losses over the last month or so, my stocks are now only worth a small fortune. So what’s the deal? Speculation & Panic Right now the stock market is being driven by speculation and panic...