I was exceedingly troubled this morning as I read the opinion of (what I thought) a knowledgeable tech blogger concerning recent comments made by Stephen Elop. Emperor Steve will deal with Stephen, but I will go to the blogosphere to deal with Jason Kincaid.

No Office on iPhone

The iPhone is the most powerful weapon phone in the galaxy. When fully operational it will be able to destroy entire planets. Why in the world would Emperor Steve add Office? That would be like mounting a BB gun on an Apache helicopter. So please, forgive this misguided rumor and all loyal iPhone users can sleep soundly knowing that the Apple Empire will not allow the iPhone to be polluted with Microsucks Office.

The rumor is circulating the blogosphere that Wal-Mart will be selling iPhones starting after Christmas. The initial report comes from the Boy Genius Report and then CNN lended additional weight to the rumor with their post on Fortune. I would like to issue a more formal response.

First, I would like to point out to all retailers that Wal-Mart has sold Apple products for years and moves millions of units for the Empire. With their imposing presence worldwide they have been loyal to Emperor Steve always. Second, of course Wal-Mart will be selling the 3G iPhone. While I am not at liberty to divulge the exact launch date I can unequivocally confirm the truth of the rumor. 

In the Empire’s plan to engulf the entire known universe, the Death Star iPhone is our most powerful weapon and is already causing our enemies to tremble in fear. 

PS Anybody interested in the CEO job at Yahoo? Go vote for yourself at TechCrunch

Apple rumors are near-constant in the blogosphere, yet I feel to respond to a specific rumor posted on Gizmodo today. I feel a response is warranted because the story attempts to lend credibility to the story by mentioning an “unnamed search company.” Now I don’t think I’m stretching to say that Jesus Diaz is implying Google in the article. 

Let me unequivically deny the validity of this report. If you look back to my last post before Emperor Steve’s last announcement you’ll see I was totally honest with you. I am yet again being honest with you. This is nothing more than a glitch from this “unnamed search company.”