As many times as we have to give gifts and as many times as we receive gifts, everyone can remember gifts that just didn’t hit the mark (think PC accessory to a Mac Boy). Giving the right gift can make you a galaxy hero while giving a gift that are totally unsuited to the recipient can be completely embarrassing for them and for you. However, it isn’t all that hard to find totally unique gifts that any friend or family member will appreciate so you can always be the hero instead of being the person they dread getting gifts from.

If You Don’t Know… Ask!

To be that gift giving hero, always select gifts that reflect some aspect of the receiver’s life or likes. This means you won’t want to give them something that you’d like to have but give them a gift that is indicative of their preferences. If you don’t have a clue what to get, don’t get a generic gift or give a gift card instead, ask someone who knows them what they like so your gift will be appreciated.

Appropriate… Check

When it comes to getting an appropriate gift, you want to keep in mind the relationship you have with the recipient. You won’t want to give something expensive to someone you don’t know well. Another gift type to avoid is something intimate or personal to coworkers or clients.

Surprise!

Giving gifts is always fun and making it even more fun by adding a surprise element makes it into a special event. Some ideas are to “layer wrap” your gift in multiple individually wrapped boxes that nest into each other is always fun to watch, wrapping a small gift in a huge box is always good for some laughs and instead of giving them a gift, put a clue where they can find their gift adds a little bit of intrigue to the process.

Think Ahead

“Be Prepared” may be the Boy Scout motto but being prepared is a great way to ensure you’re getting them a good gift. A few weeks or months ahead of the gift giving event, write down a few gift ideas for the person. Then, talking to their friends or relatives, you’ll be able to thin out the list by taking notice of what they like or don’t like. This means when that special event comes around, you’ll already have a good idea of what to give them.

Another great reason to think ahead is to have a gift that is personalized. Why do you think that Apple adds free custom engraving on some of their products?  That way, the recipient knows you took the time and made the effort to get them a gift that is heartfelt and sincere. When you take that time and make that effort to get gifts you know they will appreciate, there’s no way you will ever have to worry about giving that “epic fail” gift ever again.

No Office on iPhone

The iPhone is the most powerful weapon phone in the galaxy. When fully operational it will be able to destroy entire planets. Why in the world would Emperor Steve add Office? That would be like mounting a BB gun on an Apache helicopter. So please, forgive this misguided rumor and all loyal iPhone users can sleep soundly knowing that the Apple Empire will not allow the iPhone to be polluted with Microsucks Office.

Is TechCrunch A Secret Rebel Base?

While TechCrunch has contributed positively to the Empire in the past, this article strikes a serious blow to their loyalty. Emperor Steve is highly disappointed by this action and the appropriate response is being contemplated at this time. In the meantime we highly recommend that all loyal subjects of the Apple Empire read future TechCrunch articles with the proverbial “grain of salt”. While it can’t be confirmed at this time we suspect that the Rebellion may have been able to influence Michael Arrington during his recent hiatus in Hawaii.

New iPod Shuffle

First, we decided you wanted more options. Therefore you will now be able to get the shuffle in silver AND black. That’s double the options of the Model T Ford. We also decided that if memory is good, more memory is better, so the 3rd gen comes with 4 GB of memory. Yep, that’s 1,000 songs in a device that is smaller that a AA battery!

Lastly, to make the Force even stronger in this device, we have given each one the ability to talk. Yes, it took us a few years to train them in 14 languages (Mandarin was tough) but now your iPod Shuffle will tell you the song title and artist at the push of a button. No more straining your brain to remember who sings that song. So Happy 11th of March. Go out and drop another $79 on another music player because you can never have too much cool.

Economics 101

As Lord of the Apple Empire I have mastered many subjects, including economics. Many of you have also studied economics and therefore are very familiar with the concept of supply and demand. Both have an associated curve and the intersection of these curves predicts the price of a product. Therefore, if a company wants to earn a higher price for a product they must either limit supply or increase demand.

In most markets limiting supply is impractical unless you have a monopoly and increasing demand benefits your competitors as well as yourself. So if you don’t have a traditional monopoly that allows you to control supply nor the desire to increase demand, what is one to do? This was the very situation Emperor Steve found himself in upon returning to lead the Apple Empire in 1996.

How Apple Got a Monopoly on Cool

Beginning with the iPod we began our intergalactic quest to monopolize the cool market. We used packaging that was plain and contained virtually no sales copy. We designed our products to look sleek and simple. We made them easy to use. We used revolutionary advertising. We focused all our efforts on conveying this simple message: Apple IS Cool!


Once we convinced the galaxy that Apple was the epitome of cool, that’s when the money started pouring in for us. We set our price and consumers had an easy decision: Do you want to be cool or not? Before Apple products, being cool was out of reach for the vast majority of humanity. Something only acquired through genetics or luck. Definitely not something easily obtained at a store. Until Apple.

Since Apple was the definition of cool and Apple products were available for purchase by anyone, being cool was now obtainable by anyone willing to fork over a few hundred dollars for an iPod, iMac or MacBook. Yes you, the geek, could be cool with a simple purchase. We created a monopoly on cool and damn does it feel good to be cool.

Updated Products

Our loyal followers at TechCrunch have already announced the updates, which include:

• 24 inch iMac
• Faster MacBook Pro
• New Mac Mini
• New Airport Extreme
• New Time Capsule

Basically put, we just added the Force to each of our products so now you have a little bit of Emperor Steve’s power in each product.

Safari 4 Beta Features

With all the recent claims by some shiny silver web browser about how fast their Javascript processing is, the Empire souped up the Javascript in Safari even more. You’ll get the ability to do a full history search as well as browse your web history or bookmarks in an i-Tunes like cover flow style. Add in the tabs on top and full page zoom for an amazing internet experience. As a sign of our benevolence we’re giving it away for free at Apple.com/Safari.

Windows Mobile Updated

After months and months of WinMo users complaining about the clunky UI Microsoft has released Windows Mobile 6.5 complete with a MobileMe knock-off feature called My Phone. Are they hoping that customers will hear My Phone and think iPhone? The phonetic similarities are eerie. However, the Empire fears no enemy and inevitably Microsoft will scrap this failure and move on to version 6.6.

Free Publicity

Over at Crunchgear we have an excellent post by John Biggs detailing the upcoming legal battle between the iFart app and the Pull My Finger app over the right to produce the sound of flatulence on your iPhone. This publicity will easily mean more downloads for both apps, but the bigger benefit will be increased sales of the mighty iPhone. Thank you fart apps for all the free publicity.