Recently there has been a lot of chatter in the blogosphere about the new Zune 3.0 firmware (but just small frys like Crunchgear and Engadget). Some guy over at Wired even went so far as to say that “Zune’s Recommendations Make Genius Look Average” right in the title. However, Lord Mac has a few words for these Rebel scum.

1. The Apple recommendation engine is called Genius for a reason – because it’s as smart as you can get. So what if Zune Mixawhatever looks better and makes finding music you like easier, Apple has the Genius.
2. Nobody listens to the radio any more so why would you put an FM tuner in an MP3 player? Stupid Microsoft.
3. Who needs a Zune pass that lets you download unlimited amounts of music for just $14.99/month? Loyal Apple subjects have been perfectly content to pay the low price of $0.99/song for years.

There have been many Intergalactic rumors floating around about the possibility of an event on September 9th where Emperor Steve would be speaking. This post is to officially *confirm the validity of this rumor. Emperor Steve has graciously agreed to address the Empire and will be tailoring his comments to the official theme of “Let’s Rock.”

*In the future, please reference this blog for official announcements concerning the activities of Emperor Steve.

The opportunities for me to comment on style and fashion are few and far between. First, there just isn’t a lot of time in between destroying competitor’s companies and manufacturing zillions of iPhones. Second, some have dared to accuse me of having a bad fashion sense because I wear a black cape, black helmet, black facemask, black ventilator, black boots & black leather all the time. They just don’t recognize my obviously classic style and we all know that black goes with everything.

However, today the fellows at Gizmodo have pointed out a couple real gems. First is the replica Emperor Throne. Of course, only Emperor Steve has one with the ability to fire the Death Star tether an iPhone, but for five lucky imposters, this is a must have. Also, if you’re more into the Tatooine scene you could pick up this replica Land Speeder for a speedy cruise around the system. At a top speed of 25 miles you won’t be winning any pod races, but you’ll be the geekiest guy in town.

I would like to thank John Biggs for taking the time to correctly assign the blame for iPhone 3G issues: THE USERS! Despite the lack of faith exhibited by many (even you Michael Arrington) regarding the Death Star iPhone 3G, this clearly shows that the Apple Empire is truly invincible.

While perusing the intergalactic web I noticed a change to the layout of a prominent blog, TechCrunch.com. What happened? Did Michael Arrington decide that he didn’t have enough garbage on the front page? I had already come to terms with the fact that the whole right third of the blog was advertising before. Now there’s all this other junk like archive, TechBoard, etc. that pinches the actual content down to less than half of the page. I don’t know if you realize this Michael, but I come to your blog to read posts, not look at ads and get distracted by old posts and your other TechCrap initiatives.

Certain Rebel operatives working undercover in the Empire’s product development department seem to think that by anonymously leaking information about new products will somehow weaken Emperor Steve’s control of the galaxy. A recent example was brought to my attention today. Kevin Rose of Digg.com posted on his uber-lame blog today that he had information regarding the new line of iPods that supposedly will be announced in the coming weeks.

Pure Poppycock

Let me assure you that this information is entirely invalid. The source chose to remain anonymous to avoid the ridicule associated with being wrong (and the fact that I will kill him with my Force powers if I find him.) One only needs to consider how preposterous this information is:

1. Why would the Empire lower prices when fanboys joyfully fork over the full retail price for overhyped products now?
2. A bigger screen on the Nano? Everyone loves the tiny one we have now!
3. Lastly, given the fact that millions of loyal subjects have willingly let themselves get locked into our current iTunes that won’t let them transfer their music to other devices, why should we improve it?

Given this body of evidence I feel that you should feel confident that Kevin Rose doesn’t know what he’s talking about. And if you’re reading Kevin, don’t be surprised if you see a platoon of iTroopers knocking on your door soon.

Mcheal Arrington, I find your lack of faith disturbing.

For years you have been loyal to the Empire, buying computer after computer, laptop after laptop, and iPod after iPod. You have written positive reviews of each of your new toys on TechCrunch, garnering even more fanboy adoration for Apple products. You have given many Apple products as gifts to family members, helping to further spread the Empire’s reach. And then you posted this on TechCrunch yesterday:

“Apple is Flailing Badly At The Edges”

You outline your past loyalty in full, but only to lend further credibility to your heretical remarks:

Mac Mini, Macbook Air, Macbook Pro and Macbook, All Failed

MobileMe Has Screwed Up My Work Ecosystem

Michael, do now succumb to the Mac Rebellion. The Empire is now valued higher than any time in history. Planets and systems bow to the power of Emperor Steve every time he gives a keynote address. Blogs hang on his every word and Wall Street pays more attention to his health than to the financial sector. Come back Michael or you may witness the full power of the iPhone kill switch.

For those of you who may have read Thomas Ricker’s post at Engadget or another source, I, Darth Mac, would like to personally reassure all iPod Nano owners that their 1st generation Nanos will not explode. The reports of burned tatami mats and papers in Japan are true. People also did report being burned by the devices. However, I’m sure the Nano simply detected rebellious thoughts such as “The Zune Pass would be cool to try” or “Wow, that new Creative has 32 MB of memory and is so small.” Emperor Steve will tolerate no such thoughts and may just use his Force powers to fry your precious little Nanos.

As the Empire has sought to expand it’s presence throughout the Galaxy, the Mac Rebellion has sought to thwart our efforts at every turn. In some systems they have managed to mount a significant resistance. However, the Rebellion is no match for the iPhone.

The Power of the iPhone

Some may recall the unfortunate accident that led to the destruction of the Death Star. Though we forgave those designers for earlier mistakes (the Newton), this time we decided that a carbonite monument of their failure would be a better course of action.

The result of our renewed focus on building a supreme weapon – the iPhone (aka Destroyer of Worlds.)

Developed in total secrecy, the Rebellion could only speculate on the full power of the iPhone. Now it is too late for them to stop. First, the iPhone conquered the largest cell phone system in the Galaxy, bringing AT&T grovelling to its knees to be the exclusive provider. It was too easy. Now we have conquered another system.

Best Buy Conquered

With the power of the iPhone on full display over the last year, our enemies tremble. The upgraded 3G iPhone has caused over a million to surrender already and the Best Buy system is now completely under our control. They will be authorize to sell the iPhone in their hundreds of retail stores which we predict will lead millions more to surrender to the power of the iPhone.