I apologize to all my loyal readers that this news didn’t come from me first, but releasing a new product on a galactic level can be quite difficult. Add on the fact that I have taken on increased responsibilities while Emperor Steve recovers from his midichlorian deficiency and I your will understand. So, on to the good news.

New iPod Shuffle

First, we decided you wanted more options. Therefore you will now be able to get the shuffle in silver AND black. That’s double the options of the Model T Ford. We also decided that if memory is good, more memory is better, so the 3rd gen comes with 4 GB of memory. Yep, that’s 1,000 songs in a device that is smaller that a AA battery!

Lastly, to make the Force even stronger in this device, we have given each one the ability to talk. Yes, it took us a few years to train them in 14 languages (Mandarin was tough) but now your iPod Shuffle will tell you the song title and artist at the push of a button. No more straining your brain to remember who sings that song. So Happy 11th of March. Go out and drop another $79 on another music player because you can never have too much cool.

As was reported on earlier by the loyal subjects at TechCrunch, developers have released the Beta version of Safari 4 for all you OS X users and even you Windows-using Rebel scum.

Safari 4 Beta Features

With all the recent claims by some shiny silver web browser about how fast their Javascript processing is, the Empire souped up the Javascript in Safari even more. You’ll get the ability to do a full history search as well as browse your web history or bookmarks in an i-Tunes like cover flow style. Add in the tabs on top and full page zoom for an amazing internet experience. As a sign of our benevolence we’re giving it away for free at Apple.com/Safari.

With the recent earnings reports put out my Apple and Microsoft, I feel it an opportune moment to gloat in Steve Ballmer’s face. In case you missed it, we just announced quarterly revenue of over $10 billion dollars and profit of $1.61 billion. And it goes without saying that this far surpassed analysts expectations. Not even a Midichlorian imbalance in Emperor Steve can stop the Apple Empire.

However, this wasn’t the worst part, was it Ballmer? Now we hear that you’re cutting 5,000 employees, revenues are down across the board, and you lost almost $500 million on the web. Ouch, that hurts! And to make it even worse, this is with Emperor Steve on the sidelines.

The rumor is circulating the blogosphere that Wal-Mart will be selling iPhones starting after Christmas. The initial report comes from the Boy Genius Report and then CNN lended additional weight to the rumor with their post on Fortune. I would like to issue a more formal response.

First, I would like to point out to all retailers that Wal-Mart has sold Apple products for years and moves millions of units for the Empire. With their imposing presence worldwide they have been loyal to Emperor Steve always. Second, of course Wal-Mart will be selling the 3G iPhone. While I am not at liberty to divulge the exact launch date I can unequivocally confirm the truth of the rumor. 

In the Empire’s plan to engulf the entire known universe, the Death Star iPhone is our most powerful weapon and is already causing our enemies to tremble in fear. 

PS Anybody interested in the CEO job at Yahoo? Go vote for yourself at TechCrunch

With the obvious speed provided by the iPhone on a 3G connection, many users with laptops have been wondering how to connect their computer to their phone to get internet access when an ethernet cable or WiFi network is unavailable; commonly referred to as tethering. Users have spoken and Emperor Steve has delivered!

AT&T was a tough nut to crack, but in the end we managed to get them to cave. Sure this will end up costing them even more in bandwidth charges, but if they’re going to keep their “exclusive carrier” status this is the price they’ll pay.

As the reigning Lord of Apple I am painfully aware of the massive fluctuations of the stock market over the last few months. Earlier this year my golden parachute was worth more than a small African nation. Now, after taking repeated triple-digit losses over the last month or so, my stocks are now only worth a small fortune. So what’s the deal?

Speculation & Panic

Right now the stock market is being driven by speculation and panic as much as it’s being driven by market forces. I agree that the economy is getting a rude reality check. Real estate prices are crashing down to join the “real world” again and luckily our banks were smart enough to give interest-only, ARMs to people who can’t pay off their credit cards, let alone their mortgages. This left the banks holding the bag on defaulted loans, but these bankers were smart enough to get the government to step in and be their whipping boy (I knew they weren’t entirely stupid.) So yes, the economy really does suck right now and the stock market should be trending flat or downward. Massive triple digit swings (what’s up with the nearly 900-point gain yesterday?) are NOT healthy. These companies are not doing anything to merit 10% changes in their valuation.

The only exception would be Apple, which every day sells enough iPhones to arm a new squadron of Apple iTroopers. So please continue to drive Apple’s stock price up, my golden parachute needs a bit more bling. (That means you Michael Arrington. There isn’t a single Apple story on your home page right now. Get on it before I take away your iPhone)

There have been many Intergalactic rumors floating around about the possibility of an event on September 9th where Emperor Steve would be speaking. This post is to officially *confirm the validity of this rumor. Emperor Steve has graciously agreed to address the Empire and will be tailoring his comments to the official theme of “Let’s Rock.”

*In the future, please reference this blog for official announcements concerning the activities of Emperor Steve.

Certain Rebel operatives working undercover in the Empire’s product development department seem to think that by anonymously leaking information about new products will somehow weaken Emperor Steve’s control of the galaxy. A recent example was brought to my attention today. Kevin Rose of Digg.com posted on his uber-lame blog today that he had information regarding the new line of iPods that supposedly will be announced in the coming weeks.

Pure Poppycock

Let me assure you that this information is entirely invalid. The source chose to remain anonymous to avoid the ridicule associated with being wrong (and the fact that I will kill him with my Force powers if I find him.) One only needs to consider how preposterous this information is:

1. Why would the Empire lower prices when fanboys joyfully fork over the full retail price for overhyped products now?
2. A bigger screen on the Nano? Everyone loves the tiny one we have now!
3. Lastly, given the fact that millions of loyal subjects have willingly let themselves get locked into our current iTunes that won’t let them transfer their music to other devices, why should we improve it?

Given this body of evidence I feel that you should feel confident that Kevin Rose doesn’t know what he’s talking about. And if you’re reading Kevin, don’t be surprised if you see a platoon of iTroopers knocking on your door soon.

For those of you who may have read Thomas Ricker’s post at Engadget or another source, I, Darth Mac, would like to personally reassure all iPod Nano owners that their 1st generation Nanos will not explode. The reports of burned tatami mats and papers in Japan are true. People also did report being burned by the devices. However, I’m sure the Nano simply detected rebellious thoughts such as “The Zune Pass would be cool to try” or “Wow, that new Creative has 32 MB of memory and is so small.” Emperor Steve will tolerate no such thoughts and may just use his Force powers to fry your precious little Nanos.