I was exceedingly troubled this morning as I read the opinion of (what I thought) a knowledgeable tech blogger concerning recent comments made by Stephen Elop. Emperor Steve will deal with Stephen, but I will go to the blogosphere to deal with Jason Kincaid.

No Office on iPhone

The iPhone is the most powerful weapon phone in the galaxy. When fully operational it will be able to destroy entire planets. Why in the world would Emperor Steve add Office? That would be like mounting a BB gun on an Apache helicopter. So please, forgive this misguided rumor and all loyal iPhone users can sleep soundly knowing that the Apple Empire will not allow the iPhone to be polluted with Microsucks Office.

The rumor is circulating the blogosphere that Wal-Mart will be selling iPhones starting after Christmas. The initial report comes from the Boy Genius Report and then CNN lended additional weight to the rumor with their post on Fortune. I would like to issue a more formal response.

First, I would like to point out to all retailers that Wal-Mart has sold Apple products for years and moves millions of units for the Empire. With their imposing presence worldwide they have been loyal to Emperor Steve always. Second, of course Wal-Mart will be selling the 3G iPhone. While I am not at liberty to divulge the exact launch date I can unequivocally confirm the truth of the rumor. 

In the Empire’s plan to engulf the entire known universe, the Death Star iPhone is our most powerful weapon and is already causing our enemies to tremble in fear. 

PS Anybody interested in the CEO job at Yahoo? Go vote for yourself at TechCrunch

With the obvious speed provided by the iPhone on a 3G connection, many users with laptops have been wondering how to connect their computer to their phone to get internet access when an ethernet cable or WiFi network is unavailable; commonly referred to as tethering. Users have spoken and Emperor Steve has delivered!

AT&T was a tough nut to crack, but in the end we managed to get them to cave. Sure this will end up costing them even more in bandwidth charges, but if they’re going to keep their “exclusive carrier” status this is the price they’ll pay.

As the Empire has sought to expand it’s presence throughout the Galaxy, the Mac Rebellion has sought to thwart our efforts at every turn. In some systems they have managed to mount a significant resistance. However, the Rebellion is no match for the iPhone.

The Power of the iPhone

Some may recall the unfortunate accident that led to the destruction of the Death Star. Though we forgave those designers for earlier mistakes (the Newton), this time we decided that a carbonite monument of their failure would be a better course of action.

The result of our renewed focus on building a supreme weapon - the iPhone (aka Destroyer of Worlds.)

Developed in total secrecy, the Rebellion could only speculate on the full power of the iPhone. Now it is too late for them to stop. First, the iPhone conquered the largest cell phone system in the Galaxy, bringing AT&T grovelling to its knees to be the exclusive provider. It was too easy. Now we have conquered another system.

Best Buy Conquered

With the power of the iPhone on full display over the last year, our enemies tremble. The upgraded 3G iPhone has caused over a million to surrender already and the Best Buy system is now completely under our control. They will be authorize to sell the iPhone in their hundreds of retail stores which we predict will lead millions more to surrender to the power of the iPhone.

As reported at the Wall Street Journal today, Emperor Steve fessed up to masterminding the iPhone kill switch. For those of you who don’t know, the idea is that every iPhone has a handy little piece of code that allows Apple to kill an app. No questions, no justification needed from the Emperor.

Why have a Kill Switch?

Official reason: The kill switch is there to give Apple the ability to shutdown any “malicious” app.

Real reason: Power. If you knew how hard it is to get an app INTO the store, you would know that there won’t be any “malicious” apps getting that far. With the kill switch Emperor Steve holds complete control over any developer. If a developer complains about the 30% cut Apple gets, Emperor Steve shuts it down. Say Apple gets sued Scrabulous style over an app, Emperor Steve shuts it down. Emperor Steve wakes up feeling grumpy, an app get shut down. You get the picture. The kill switch represents complete power.